Curse of the Black Spot

Riddle me this:

You clear up after a Hallowen Party* and wash the floor tiles that were messy after some enthusiastic dooking for apples.

The following weekend you invite a friend over for dinner, sit at a table on said tiles and the floor is still clean.

You don't use that side of the table again for a couple of weeks.

Then you sit down at the table to do some craft worky things and spy a mark on the floor.

A black mark. A perfectly circular black mark. A sooty perfectly circular black mark.

It's directly under the table, so can't be from anything falling from directly above, as the table hasn't been moved for weeks. There have been no candles (or anything else for that matter) burned in the room. No poles with soot in them have been knocked on to the tiles. Nothing with a round base or footprint has been put on the floor.

And yet...



I'm pretty sure this is conclusive proof that the new house is in fact haunted.

Other evidence includes (ooh, I feel a list coming on...)
Inexplicable noises downstairs at night
My mobile phone turning up in the house when I had it at work in the morning
The house being cold, particularly at night
Not being able to find things
Having an irresistible urge to eat lots of treat sized snacks

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*more of the party later, perhaps


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Number of car park enquiries so far today: none

But although the car park is now CLOSED, would-be holiday makers STILL come thinking that they've booked in and give us attitude about being unable to park. Pffft!

Solipsism

The word solipsism (Latin: solus, alone + ipse, self) is used for two related yet distinct concepts:

An epistemological position that one's own perceptions are the only things that can be known with certainty. The nature of the external world — that is, the source of one's perceptions — therefore cannot be conclusively known; it may not even exist. This is also called external world skepticism.

A metaphysical belief that the universe is entirely the creation of one's own mind. Thus, in a sense, the belief that nothing 'exists' outside of one's own mind.

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
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("Some information in this article or section has not been verified and may not be reliable.")

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There are only three cars in the car park today.

This makes me happy. Although cars do still come to try to park, can't, do 37-point turns, look bemused, try to use sign language with me through my office window, then drive off when I flamboyantly shrug and make a "like I care" face.

CSI: Crummy Stiff Imitations

Are my eyes too well trained, or are the CSI corpses becoming less believable as the new series progresses?

Last week on CSI:NY a stab victim was hauled out of a natural world display with 'bugs' crawling all over her, supposedly eating her flesh.
I've seen more convincing putrifying flesh at my Halloween Party (more of the party later, perhaps).

Don't get me wrong, I *love* CSI. It's what I have a TV for. Everyone knows not to call me between 9 and 11 on a Tuesday. I can't wait for Calleigh to say "Horatio, the striations, they match!" or for Alexx to have one of her very informative chats with someone whom really ought to know better. "The flesh decomposes at a rate consistent with its environment." Although maybe my dedication isn't what it could be. A friend of mine used to go to the extent of UNPLUGGING HER LANDLINE when Sex In The City was on.

Anyway.

This bug-eaten corpse had more than a hint of the tailors' dummy about it. It was white and plainly made of plastic and cotton for a start. Obviously the Effects Team couldn't coerce anyone to be covered in latex and goo and filmed with 783 flesh eating beetles.

After letting the "beetles clean up", Sid* and Sheldon decide to soak, boil and wash the remains in detergent to get the flesh off, and end up with a white plastic skeleton with red jelly stuck to it in places. No slimy residue, bits of tendons - just plastic and red stuff. (That's so you'll know it's flesh, I suppose.)


Then, last night on CSI:Miami, there were two stab/drown victims.
Alexx: "This poor baby girl's lost her fingers"

Oh, it's always a "poor baby" with Alexx. That's so you can tell she's an empathiser. That and the heavy eyeliner and woeful look she gets when she sees a body for the first time.

I digress. The stab / lake dumps. Last night's episode opens with Horatio at the court to hear the outcome of a trial (not guilty, due in part to a lack of evidence - i.e. a body) of a guy who patently is as guilty of murder as I am of choosing Philadelphia over Marmite**.
Meanwhile, an unsuspecting fisherman happens across a d.b. which turns out to be the "poor baby girl" sans a few flanges, which the accused is accused of making short work of.

Horatio gets a call.

BUT - OH NO! The verdict has just been read!

Tripp: "We got the body, but the verdict's in, Horatio."
Horatio: "The Verdict's in..."

(puts on shades in typical "cool-superhero-about-to-jet-off-to-avert-world-disaster" Horatio way)
"...but the Jury...the Jury's still out."
Pete Townsend: "....Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!....We don't get fooled again....etc."

Actually Horatio, no it's not. The Jury have just come in and presented the verdict. The not guilty verdict you've just been talking about. The verdict can't be in when the jury's out. You should know that.

Oh dear - this is turning in to a rant about Horatio Caine (for which there's plenty material, granted) when it's supposed to be a lively debate on the quality of the cadavers.

So. The plot does the usual twisting & turning, and another body is unearthed below a landfill site. This is as fresh as a daisy!

You'd reckon that after being stabbed, dumped in a lake with weights then squashed under tons of rubbish, you'd be a bit gooey. Nope, not in Miami.

The rubbish looked pretty clean, too.

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*who's shaping up to be a bit creepy. About last night's female rape / killing victim: "She's quite captivating, isn't she?" huuuuuuuuuuurgh
**That's quite bloomin' guilty, dear readers.


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Number of car park enquiries so far today: 2

But they were both the same person, and she was so irritated that I didn't have the heart to ask her to sign the "I have just annoyed someone" sheet.
Number of people who have signed the sheet: 4
This is very pants. People have been annoying us without signing the sheet

Number of delivery drivers looking for directions today: 3

List 2: Party Leftovers

• Four gala apples in a basin of water
  
• Two black wigs
  
• One length of pleated rope from a monster’s garb
  
• Three home made horses’ “boy bits” (discovered in my bed – at least it wasn’t a horse’s head)
  
• Two gallons of decent strength tequila, orange, lime and triple sec anti-slush
  
• Three gallons of weak orange, lime, tequila triple sec and water
  
• Seven mini sausage rolls (very tasty for breakfast, thanks)
  
• Eight witches hats (main ingredient: chocolate)
  
• Various and assorted decorations, candles, hangings, scythes, tealight holders, tinsel, confetti
  
• Two battalions of gingersnap men
  
• Three freezer drawers full of garlic bread, pizza slices and mini ice lollies
  
• One jumbo bag of mini sausage rolls
  
• Thee bags of tortilla chips (one discovered with my car fix kit days later)
  
• Six boxes of bread sticks completely forgotten about during the party (More of the party later, perhaps.)
  
• Thirty one chocolate chip shortbread bats
  
• One unopened bottle of white rum
  
• One not really used very much bottle of good vodka (later claimed)
  
• 453mls of Diet Caffeine free Coke
  
• One green face paint smudge on a cream chair
  
• Fifteen chocolate eyeballs
  
• One red false nail
  
• Five hand decorate cup cakes with spooky pictures on them
  
• A bag of lime and lemon wedges (to go with salt & tequila hehehe!)
  
• Nine chocolate ghosts
  
• Half a tub of homemade tablet (from two tubs!)
  
• One head of celery (earmarked for Bloody Marys but destined for soup)
  
• Three half peppers
  
• Three whole peppers
  
• One Ricky Martin CD (for the Dead Pirate and Glowing Skeleton to Salsa to)
  
• Exceptionally difficult to clean message on bathroom mirror, “Vampires have no reflections. HAHAHAHAhahahahahaaa”
  
• Dregs of cheap face paint
  
• One ice cream scoop (used for the dry ice)
  
• Eleven assorted bottles of alcohol and non alcohol (not very specific of me, but if I list them, people might claim them!!!)
  
• Ten bottles of red wine (bought for the party and unopened)
  
• Six bottles of white wine (bought for the party and unopened)
  
• One black wig with green highlights and green gem clip
  
• Sixteen X-rays
  
• Four boxes of apple pies and two boxes of bakewell tarts (put aside until the tablecloth was on and then overlooked)
  
• A crate and a half worth of empty glass bottles
  
• A crate worth of empty beer cans
  
• Bag of jelly snakes (for Medusa’s hair before the Early Learning Centre baby snakes came along)
  
• One black jacket (later providing an excuse to go to lunch to return it)
  

No caramel shortcake

Day Zero

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Number of car park enquiries so far today: 0

WHAT???
That's an outrage! None? Nil? Nada? Absolutely Zilch™?
Aaaaaawwwwww Nnnnaaaaaaawwwwww!

Dogs Abuse

I'm not one for those slushy emails that ply the "oh how nice all my friends are, and how lucky and pretty life is if you look on the bright side" rhetoric. Bleurgh.

BUT...



HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

I nearly ended myself.
Work colleague #1's reaction: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahahahaha!
Work colleague #2's reaction: (pointing to the fluff ball come skint rat on the left) Oh, look at the difference in that wee dog there!

I'll say it again...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

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(Instigated the "sign this form or I'll not tell you anything" form yesterday)
Number of car park enquiries so far today: 1 (darnit)

Yay! (in a very sarcastic tone) That'll show the evil airport car park!
The form must be working!