CSI: Characters' Super Intelligence

Emmm.
Last night Danny and Mac diffused a terrorist bomb.

Diffused

a

bomb.

Themselves.



Mac's been in the Marines, so that 'explains' it.
Oh, and he also has perfect negotiation skills and talked the 'terrorist' out of doing evil deeds.

Phew. Those CSI guys.


Talking of super intelligence...

Never in the history of Christmas viewing has so little been viewed by me.

However, by some fluke of programming timing, I caught "David Ike: Was He Right?" last night. As far as I can gather, he still believes that the royals and other 'bloodlines' take on reptilian form sometimes, and additionally now that the thoughts of the masses are being manipulated by propaganda which is merely 'repeated' by newsreaders & reporters (well, duh!), that we are living in a police state, that the system is flawed, that corruption and lies are at the heart of our society, that there is far too much data and intelligence collected from individuals for individuals' good, and has 'predicted' nine-eleven (which he believes was orchestrated by Blair & Bush), the tsunami and other assorted disasters and world events. He has a second wife and two kids. His first wife introduces him at his 'seminars' and is his 'best mate'. He stands by his famous Wogan interview, and insinuates that Tel was cruel to say that the audience was laughting at him rather than with him.

I say that whoever his manager was at the time (and whoever decided to book him for the Wogan show) should be slapped, as he was obviously having a nervous breakdown at that stage.

I recon that the poor man has humiliated himself so badly that he has no option but to stand by those weird beliefs even now.

I've had a look at his website to grab a pic for you, but was so overwhelmed at the gargantuan quantity of articles on there that I didn't. There are so many articles that I didn't even read any. Some may be news reports about new technology (biometrics, smart chips, electronic tagging, all that kind of 'evil' stuff), then there are poems, editorial pieces, and a section entitled "What is Reality?"

Most of the content looks as if it's comment on current affairs intersperced with nuggets of comment and info. I suspect that there's nothing on there that wouldn't fit with what Ben Elton tried to do in the 80s or that Watsisname-experience (political humour satire roundfaced bloke) was all about in the 90s.

Maybe if he dropped the "The Queen is a lizard" stuff people would be more open to his comments.

And yes, I do believe that TV coverage is (because by its very nature HAS to be) skewed and one sided, and that there are countless hidden agendas in play (because what's the point of making a news programme / documentary / newspaper / website / broadcast if you CAN'T use it to further your own agenda or beliefs or to make money, make yourself look great or whatever your goal is). I also believe that some peole will take what they are spoon fed and that others will shop around for their news and information and collate what they find into their own version of how the universe looks and works.

We have access to more 'information' than ever before, so therefore it is more difficult than ever for some 'big brother' to manupulate our thoughts. (Unless of course, there's an organisation responsible for ALL web content, radio, TV, press and of course good old gossip and first hand news.)

David Ike has written books upon books on his beliefs, but the TV programme didn't ever say whether he gets his ideas out of the blue, or if they come from some external source. David did talk of going up a hill in Peru and having thoughts 'come to him' when he stood in the middle of a stone circle, but didn't explain why he believes what he does. (Or maybe that's just what the TV producer wants me to think!)

Ah well - each to their own. David still maintains that he's not asking anyone to believe him*, but to 'wait and see'.

So wait we will. National Enquirer hold on to your hat!

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* just to buy his books, attend his seminars and generally create a groundswell of interest in his mumbo - oh, and to donate to his 'legal fund' through his website


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Number of car park enquiries so far today: I, wonderfully, have absolutely no idea whatsoever.

And it feels good. Yesirree.

Happy Holidays!

The bills are paid, the work Christmas dinner went swingingly, we're not in the red, I now have my very own copy of the Guns'n'Roses version of Live and Let Die*, and it's time I went home.

The tree is up, the turkey's in the fridge and I've just a couple of stocking fillers to buy, do a 'white tornado' round the house with the hoover, and that will be me pretty much organised for Christmas day.

I have steadfastly decided not to worry about: not having the right port for sauce/brie at the right stage of gooeyness/proper bread sauce/clean carpets/enough mixed nuts/having made home made bread/having enough space around the table/having enough food (or having too much food, as at the infamous Halloween party**)/having the laws and in laws around the Christmas table for the first time/whether people will like their presents/any other neurotic thing.

And this makes me happy.
Shirley Bassey on the CD - hurrah! Canny beat it.

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* superior by far to the Wings version
** more of the party later, perhaps


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Number of car park enquiries so far today: probably about six or seven

This really does beggar belief. It probably justifies a post all of its own, but I'm a stickler for continuity, so as an orange postscript it stays.
Fed up with a steady flow of bewildered passenger-wannabes giving me grief, attitude and generally trying to offload their festive stress on to me while I try to get on with an honest days' work, I called the airport car park booking line this afternoon.

Sitting comfortably?

(I'll spare you the details of the common-sense-void which is their call routing system which I went through before speaking to a booking clerk.)
Me: Hello, I wonder if you could tell me if you are still taking bookings for long term car park 5?
Person: Em, yes, we should be.
Me: (not even ranting, I kept it very much under control although my blood was boiling - you would have been proud) Can you tell me why that is please, as car park 5 has been closed for several weeks. I work just beside Car Park five, and we get several people in here every day who're quite stressed about getting their flight, to find that their booking isn't for car park five at all.
Person: Eeeemmmm - I'll just check that out with my supervisor
Me: Could I speak to your supervisor - that would be really good
Person: I'll just check for you
same Person again: Hello - yes, on our system I see that people are being directed to car park 4, so our operators will tell them that
Me: (incredulous) Seriously? There is a sign up here, and it has been here for about four weeks saying that parkers should go to car park 1, not 4.
Person: Well, it says four on our system
Me: Hmm. Sounds as if either the sign here or the system needs to be updated. Could you see that one of them gets updated?
Person: (to his credit) Yes, I'll pass that on to the rest of the staff that car park 5's closed and customers should go to the other car park.
Me: That's good. It would be a good idea to send out a wee email to people whose money you've already taken to let them know that they should go to whichever car park you choose rather than car park 5 - just as a courtesy measure and to save them getting frustrated with you and with me - because I don't work for the car park but the holidaymakers think I do and they can give some really quite bad attitude to us here. They usually leave my office being quite cross with the airport because they've paid for a parking space and find that the car park is closed.
Person: Well, I can't do that, but I'll pass it on to my supervisor, and from your call onwards, people will be given updated information.
Me: That's great. Thanks. Can I take your name and your supervisor's name in case I need to call back?
Person: (he willingly did)
Me: That's great - thanks - bye.

So - we'll see. Thankfully I won't be around for the next few days - too much quaffing of mulled wine to do - but if even one poor frustrated ratty stressed traveller turns up in my reception area (so much at the end of their tether that they totally ignore the 'no car park enquiries please' sign), I'll be on the phone to 'Person' then and there. In fact, I'll dial the number, and let the traveller speak to the booking people. The travellers will probably be much less friendly than I was this afternoon.

= As I finish this post, I've just had a nice Irish woman in asking about the car park. Apparently she booked an hour ago - (Can't quite work out whether that was before of after my call) and is looking a bit worried. There's no light on the sign, so she hasn't seen the notice saying 'go to car park 1' =

Yeh. Pure Dead Brilliant. Maybe the airport shouldn't bother with carbon neutral flights, and sell carbon neutral parking. I wonder how much additional carbon has been pumped in to my air as a result of parkers making unnecessary journeys because of the airport's rubbish booking information? Or maybe they should sell special stress relief products, so that travellers can do what they booked to do in the first place - have a relaxed and Happy Holiday!

OK. That's likely my last rant of this year. ( I hope. I really really hope.)

Oh Christmas Tree Oh Christmas tree...

The current husband has a real live christmas tree.

He bought this tree five years ago when he was a batchelor in a batchelor flat and when the tree was young, short, bushy, green and healthy.
It generally lives in his parents' garden until each Christmas when he collects it, installs it in his 'pad' and decorates it.
Unfortunately, as with many young and virile things, it has had its day. It's now taller, gangly, straggly, balding (no, it's actually bare from the middle down) and not looking as if it's full of life.

He tried to convince me last night (as I tried steadfastly to catch both flavours of CSI - which were both bloomin' exciting, let me tell you! Oh-wuh! Yes they were! Horatio's being targetted by a gunman as he MARRIES Eric's sister, while over in New York that rip D.J.Pratt(!!!) killed Aiden who was running her OWN investigation on him, but the CSI-ers banged him to rights. man!) that the tree would look fine with some tinsel on it.

My parry: (after the incredulous laughing subsided) "No amount of tinsel will make that sad specimen look festive. I'll be quite embarrased if anyone visits and sees that as 'our' christmas tree. I really don't want a tree that looks as if the squirrels have been at it to be a lasting memory of our first Christmas together."

Him: Do you think if we repotted it and pruned it, it would bush out at the bottom?

Me: "Well, for starters, there'll be no 'we' about it. It certainly won't suddenly pop out new lush green branches in the next four days, no. If you want you can plant it in the garden, visit it through the year and keep an eye on it, but I won't be decorating it anytime soon. If tinsel is your solution, the tree will be covered in the stuff before it looks bushy enough."

Him: stares at tree for further 20 minutes while I do other things
Me: screws up face
Him: screws up face, looks at tree, looks at me
Me: "It is quite sad, isn't it?"
Him: screws up mouth "Hmm. I suppose so."

(praise be - he's seeing sense)

Proceeds to humph the tree outside and position its 'best side' towards the kitchen window.

So I guess we're shopping for a new 'real' tree tonight.

I'd love to go on a rant* about environmental issues and of the significance of bringing a tree indoors - unrelated but both appropriate to today's blog - but time doesn't allow.

Ah Well.

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* sample rant follows
including the environmental impact of getting a tree every year, origins of bringing a symbol of life indoors in the most bleak of seasons, and particularly that the WEATHER - the random, warming, cooling, CHANGING Weather is sponsored by FLY.BE - not even promoting a carbon neutral scheme, but encouraging people to - and here's the irony - get away from the cold weather on a (climate changing) plane - aaaaaarrrrgggh! Hubby: "You really do get wound up about some things, don't you?" Me: "What???!!! Is the outrageouseness of the situation lost on you? Do you not care that the very industries that play a huge part in climate change are sponsoring the weather?


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Number of car park enquiries so far today: never mind that!

Today there were loads of vans, lorries and workmen at the carpark, finishing off the DISSASSEMBLY of the automated barriers! Yesterday I suspected that the barriers were being moved to another part of the car park, but today Graham asked the workies what was going on and was told that "The car park is closed". Not just closed until they sort the flooding problem, but CLOSED permanently.

This afternoon they have angle-ground away the last of the posts and signs, and are just finishing putting up a fence where the ticket barriers have been.

And yes, you've guesed it, there are STILL holidaymakers and travellers being parted from their cash by the pure dead brilliant airport thinking that they have booked in to Car Park 5 and asking us why they can't get in.

Would a short courtesy email to all customers really be too much to ask? It would solve so much frustration and bad feeling.

CSI: Calleigh's Skintight Itemsofclothing

...meanwhile Calleigh Duquesne's trousers* become ever more figure hugging...

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*I know. I couldn't find a still with her in trousers.

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Number of car park enquiries so far today: urgh. one. it grates even thinking about this topic now.

The attitude gets worse. Have just shouted at a man (albeit out of his earshot) that if he wants to know where Car Park 1 is, he should drive down to the airport and ask *them* because they're the ones that are giving him the shitty service while gleefully parting him from his readies.

The man today had the gall to look annoyed and frustrated.
He tried to talk to me through my office window. Hell mend him.

Me (in my head): "Yes, matey, it's a bloody mess, isn't it? I'm even more browned off with it than you are, believe me." Grrr-why-i-oughtta-etc

Hi, I'm 34% Evil from Uranus

Oh great.
I'm at the stage of filling in on line 'tests' to find out how evil I am, at what price I would sell out, what animal I was in a past life...what planet I'm from...

I'm 34% Evil

"A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well.
In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil."

I'm From Uranus
(oh how we laughed)

"You shine with brilliant creativity, and you're more than a little eccentric.
You love everything unusual and shocking. You're one far-out chick or dude.
Anything unconventional excites you - and you have genius potential.
Just don't let your rebel side get the best of you, or else you'll alienate everyone.
Your original thinking and funky attitude is all you need to be you."

Oh, and apparetly I'm a Strawberry Daquiri...
"You're a fun, playful drinker who loves to party. You may get totally wasted, but you're always a happy drunk!"

Playful drinker? Daquiri? But I told it I like tequila!

Ah - HA! If I give exactly the same answers but change my answer for "You ideal spring break would be spent:" from "At a five star hotel that backs to the beach" to "In Cancun, going wild" then I magically turn into a....

"You aren't just the life of the party, you are the party!
You mix a good drink, bust out some great music, and know how to get down."

Hurrah! I like that answer much better.

I want to get a job writing these things.

They're even more flimsy than the 'Mostly Bs = You are kind and friendly, but don't let people walk over you. You know your own mind, but are open to other opinions." tests that used to appear in Jackie and Just 17.

Someone somewhere is sitting at a desk right now thinking up some inane quiz to test "How many fingers would you have if you lived on Zuton?" or "If you were a car manouvre, what would you be?" (Answers probably would include: A three point turn "Efficient and slick, but sometimes get in other people's way", Hillstart "Difficult to get to grips with at first, but rewarding in the long term", Reverse Parking "Shy but fit in well given time and the right situation", Emergency Stop "You run hot and cold and change your mind frequently, often being noisy and abrupt" - hey! I think I could do this!)

Next, it tells me that my funky inner hair colour is orange because I'm "deep" and that I pull off weird well. Oh yeah? I pull off weird well do I? Uh-huh.

If you REALLY want, you can have a programme give you a deep insight* to your true self:
How Evil Are You?
What Planet Are You From?

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*complete with illustrative colour pictures for your blog

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Number of car park enquiries so far today: none (yet)

But there were LOADS on Friday. Apparently the car park is still taking bookings but not providing the ‘service’ of telling customers that the place is closed and that they’ll be redirected when they try to park for their flight. Again, we have to deal with the ensuing carnage, grumpiness and bad attitude.

CSI: Cutie Spouse Injumper

Last night I dreamed that I was married to Agent Ryan Wolfe. Not so much that I was married to him, but that my husband was him.



We were strolling around in a supermarket deep in domestic bliss, arms around each other and each with a hand on the supermarket trolley, being one of those 'in love' couples that make you absolutely pukeingly sick, gazing at each other with self satisfied smug expressions and hugging each other.

He was wearing a rather fetching blue crew neck jumper.

Then we met an old aunt of mine* who was having an 'altercation' in the frozen veg section with someone about something, and she said 'oh, not now' to us, then gave us a wee look as if everything was OK, she likes us really but that she didn't want the altercate-ee to know that.

Then we were at the house, and he went to talk to the neighbours who were doing up their hallway and had found some books left by a gap year student.



I was a bit miffed that he was chatting to the neighbours when he could be home with ME, so I wrapped my duvet around me and went jumping about in the nice autumnal leaves in the dry and autumnally sunny park that our house looks on to.

At some point before, during or after this dream, back in 'real-land', my husband comes back to bed after being up in the night, and apparently we have a conversation that goes like this:

Me: "Is it a three rooted one?"
Him: "What?"
Me: "Are there any three rooted ones?"
Him: "I'm not sure - What do you mean?"
Me: "I can't really say it properly - the charrots"
Him: "Eh?"
Me: "Ocht. I can't say charrots properly. Charrots - C.A.R.R.O.T"
Him: "Eh, no." (takes off glasses and puts them on bedside table)
Me: "What are you doing with your glasses?"
Him: "Taking them off"
Me: "Why were they on?"
Him: "Because I had to get up"
Me: "zzz-zzz-zzz"

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*who seemed to know that Ryan Wolfe was my hubby and that it was perfectly normal for a CSI person to be shopping with me.