The SubLyme Blog

A very trying time

2007-05-17T22:57:00.000+01:00

I'm going to really really try to get this blog up & running again. Promise.
I've started a MySpace thingy and am collecting friends. Well, I say friends, but I'm actually just going round cool bands and adding them. Sad-oh.

Then I though I'd try to be pals with CSI but I couldn't find a real site, then I looked for Calleigh Duquesne to see if she was in need of a pal, then - whoo-hoo! I found a quiz that tells me which CSI:Miani character I am.

AAAWWWWwwwww--NNNAAAWWWwwwwwwhhhh!!!

I'm Horatio!

Which CSI: Miami character are you??
Horatio Caine Like Horatio, you are very sharp minded and always keep the interest of others in mind.
Take The Quiz Now!	Quizzes by myYearbook.com

CSI: Characters' Super Intelligence

2006-12-27T14:22:00.000Z

Emmm.
Last night Danny and Mac diffused a terrorist bomb.

Diffused

a

bomb.

Themselves.

Mac's been in the Marines, so that 'explains' it.
Oh, and he also has perfect negotiation skills and talked the 'terrorist' out of doing evil deeds.

Phew. Those CSI guys.

Talking of super intelligence...

Never in the history of Christmas viewing has so little been viewed by me.

However, by some fluke of programming timing, I caught "David Ike: Was He Right?" last night. As far as I can gather, he still believes that the royals and other 'bloodlines' take on reptilian form sometimes, and additionally now that the thoughts of the masses are being manipulated by propaganda which is merely 'repeated' by newsreaders & reporters (well, duh!), that we are living in a police state, that the system is flawed, that corruption and lies are at the heart of our society, that there is far too much data and intelligence collected from individuals for individuals' good, and has 'predicted' nine-eleven (which he believes was orchestrated by Blair & Bush), the tsunami and other assorted disasters and world events. He has a second wife and two kids. His first wife introduces him at his 'seminars' and is his 'best mate'. He stands by his famous Wogan interview, and insinuates that Tel was cruel to say that the audience was laughting at him rather than with him.

I say that whoever his manager was at the time (and whoever decided to book him for the Wogan show) should be slapped, as he was obviously having a nervous breakdown at that stage.

I recon that the poor man has humiliated himself so badly that he has no option but to stand by those weird beliefs even now.

I've had a look at his website to grab a pic for you, but was so overwhelmed at the gargantuan quantity of articles on there that I didn't. There are so many articles that I didn't even read any. Some may be news reports about new technology (biometrics, smart chips, electronic tagging, all that kind of 'evil' stuff), then there are poems, editorial pieces, and a section entitled "What is Reality?"

Most of the content looks as if it's comment on current affairs intersperced with nuggets of comment and info. I suspect that there's nothing on there that wouldn't fit with what Ben Elton tried to do in the 80s or that Watsisname-experience (political humour satire roundfaced bloke) was all about in the 90s.

Maybe if he dropped the "The Queen is a lizard" stuff people would be more open to his comments.

And yes, I do believe that TV coverage is (because by its very nature HAS to be) skewed and one sided, and that there are countless hidden agendas in play (because what's the point of making a news programme / documentary / newspaper / website / broadcast if you CAN'T use it to further your own agenda or beliefs or to make money, make yourself look great or whatever your goal is). I also believe that some peole will take what they are spoon fed and that others will shop around for their news and information and collate what they find into their own version of how the universe looks and works.

We have access to more 'information' than ever before, so therefore it is more difficult than ever for some 'big brother' to manupulate our thoughts. (Unless of course, there's an organisation responsible for ALL web content, radio, TV, press and of course good old gossip and first hand news.)

David Ike has written books upon books on his beliefs, but the TV programme didn't ever say whether he gets his ideas out of the blue, or if they come from some external source. David did talk of going up a hill in Peru and having thoughts 'come to him' when he stood in the middle of a stone circle, but didn't explain why he believes what he does. (Or maybe that's just what the TV producer wants me to think!)

Ah well - each to their own. David still maintains that he's not asking anyone to believe him*, but to 'wait and see'.

So wait we will. National Enquirer hold on to your hat!

_________________________________________________________

* just to buy his books, attend his seminars and generally create a groundswell of interest in his mumbo - oh, and to donate to his 'legal fund' through his website

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Number of car park enquiries so far today: I, wonderfully, have absolutely no idea whatsoever.

And it feels good. Yesirree.

Happy Holidays!

2006-12-22T16:56:00.000Z

The bills are paid, the work Christmas dinner went swingingly, we're not in the red, I now have my very own copy of the Guns'n'Roses version of Live and Let Die*, and it's time I went home.

The tree is up, the turkey's in the fridge and I've just a couple of stocking fillers to buy, do a 'white tornado' round the house with the hoover, and that will be me pretty much organised for Christmas day.

I have steadfastly decided not to worry about: not having the right port for sauce/brie at the right stage of gooeyness/proper bread sauce/clean carpets/enough mixed nuts/having made home made bread/having enough space around the table/having enough food (or having too much food, as at the infamous Halloween party**)/having the laws and in laws around the Christmas table for the first time/whether people will like their presents/any other neurotic thing.

And this makes me happy.
Shirley Bassey on the CD - hurrah! Canny beat it.

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* superior by far to the Wings version
** more of the party later, perhaps

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Number of car park enquiries so far today: probably about six or seven

This really does beggar belief. It probably justifies a post all of its own, but I'm a stickler for continuity, so as an orange postscript it stays.
Fed up with a steady flow of bewildered passenger-wannabes giving me grief, attitude and generally trying to offload their festive stress on to me while I try to get on with an honest days' work, I called the airport car park booking line this afternoon.

Sitting comfortably?

(I'll spare you the details of the common-sense-void which is their call routing system which I went through before speaking to a booking clerk.)
Me: Hello, I wonder if you could tell me if you are still taking bookings for long term car park 5?
Person: Em, yes, we should be.
Me: (not even ranting, I kept it very much under control although my blood was boiling - you would have been proud) Can you tell me why that is please, as car park 5 has been closed for several weeks. I work just beside Car Park five, and we get several people in here every day who're quite stressed about getting their flight, to find that their booking isn't for car park five at all.
Person: Eeeemmmm - I'll just check that out with my supervisor
Me: Could I speak to your supervisor - that would be really good
Person: I'll just check for you
same Person again: Hello - yes, on our system I see that people are being directed to car park 4, so our operators will tell them that
Me: (incredulous) Seriously? There is a sign up here, and it has been here for about four weeks saying that parkers should go to car park 1, not 4.
Person: Well, it says four on our system
Me: Hmm. Sounds as if either the sign here or the system needs to be updated. Could you see that one of them gets updated?
Person: (to his credit) Yes, I'll pass that on to the rest of the staff that car park 5's closed and customers should go to the other car park.
Me: That's good. It would be a good idea to send out a wee email to people whose money you've already taken to let them know that they should go to whichever car park you choose rather than car park 5 - just as a courtesy measure and to save them getting frustrated with you and with me - because I don't work for the car park but the holidaymakers think I do and they can give some really quite bad attitude to us here. They usually leave my office being quite cross with the airport because they've paid for a parking space and find that the car park is closed.
Person: Well, I can't do that, but I'll pass it on to my supervisor, and from your call onwards, people will be given updated information.
Me: That's great. Thanks. Can I take your name and your supervisor's name in case I need to call back?
Person: (he willingly did)
Me: That's great - thanks - bye.

So - we'll see. Thankfully I won't be around for the next few days - too much quaffing of mulled wine to do - but if even one poor frustrated ratty stressed traveller turns up in my reception area (so much at the end of their tether that they totally ignore the 'no car park enquiries please' sign), I'll be on the phone to 'Person' then and there. In fact, I'll dial the number, and let the traveller speak to the booking people. The travellers will probably be much less friendly than I was this afternoon.

= As I finish this post, I've just had a nice Irish woman in asking about the car park. Apparently she booked an hour ago - (Can't quite work out whether that was before of after my call) and is looking a bit worried. There's no light on the sign, so she hasn't seen the notice saying 'go to car park 1' =

Yeh. Pure Dead Brilliant. Maybe the airport shouldn't bother with carbon neutral flights, and sell carbon neutral parking. I wonder how much additional carbon has been pumped in to my air as a result of parkers making unnecessary journeys because of the airport's rubbish booking information? Or maybe they should sell special stress relief products, so that travellers can do what they booked to do in the first place - have a relaxed and Happy Holiday!

OK. That's likely my last rant of this year. ( I hope. I really really hope.)

Oh Christmas Tree Oh Christmas tree...

2006-12-20T14:14:00.000Z

The current husband has a real live christmas tree.

He bought this tree five years ago when he was a batchelor in a batchelor flat and when the tree was young, short, bushy, green and healthy.
It generally lives in his parents' garden until each Christmas when he collects it, installs it in his 'pad' and decorates it.
Unfortunately, as with many young and virile things, it has had its day. It's now taller, gangly, straggly, balding (no, it's actually bare from the middle down) and not looking as if it's full of life.

He tried to convince me last night (as I tried steadfastly to catch both flavours of CSI - which were both bloomin' exciting, let me tell you! Oh-wuh! Yes they were! Horatio's being targetted by a gunman as he MARRIES Eric's sister, while over in New York that rip D.J.Pratt(!!!) killed Aiden who was running her OWN investigation on him, but the CSI-ers banged him to rights. man!) that the tree would look fine with some tinsel on it.

My parry: (after the incredulous laughing subsided) "No amount of tinsel will make that sad specimen look festive. I'll be quite embarrased if anyone visits and sees that as 'our' christmas tree. I really don't want a tree that looks as if the squirrels have been at it to be a lasting memory of our first Christmas together."

Him: Do you think if we repotted it and pruned it, it would bush out at the bottom?

Me: "Well, for starters, there'll be no 'we' about it. It certainly won't suddenly pop out new lush green branches in the next four days, no. If you want you can plant it in the garden, visit it through the year and keep an eye on it, but I won't be decorating it anytime soon. If tinsel is your solution, the tree will be covered in the stuff before it looks bushy enough."

Him: stares at tree for further 20 minutes while I do other things
Me: screws up face
Him: screws up face, looks at tree, looks at me
Me: "It is quite sad, isn't it?"
Him: screws up mouth "Hmm. I suppose so."

(praise be - he's seeing sense)

Proceeds to humph the tree outside and position its 'best side' towards the kitchen window.

So I guess we're shopping for a new 'real' tree tonight.

I'd love to go on a rant* about environmental issues and of the significance of bringing a tree indoors - unrelated but both appropriate to today's blog - but time doesn't allow.

Ah Well.

_________________________________________________________

* sample rant follows
including the environmental impact of getting a tree every year, origins of bringing a symbol of life indoors in the most bleak of seasons, and particularly that the WEATHER - the random, warming, cooling, CHANGING Weather is sponsored by FLY.BE - not even promoting a carbon neutral scheme, but encouraging people to - and here's the irony - get away from the cold weather on a (climate changing) plane - aaaaaarrrrgggh! Hubby: "You really do get wound up about some things, don't you?" Me: "What???!!! Is the outrageouseness of the situation lost on you? Do you not care that the very industries that play a huge part in climate change are sponsoring the weather?

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Number of car park enquiries so far today: never mind that!

Today there were loads of vans, lorries and workmen at the carpark, finishing off the DISSASSEMBLY of the automated barriers! Yesterday I suspected that the barriers were being moved to another part of the car park, but today Graham asked the workies what was going on and was told that "The car park is closed". Not just closed until they sort the flooding problem, but CLOSED permanently.

This afternoon they have angle-ground away the last of the posts and signs, and are just finishing putting up a fence where the ticket barriers have been.

And yes, you've guesed it, there are STILL holidaymakers and travellers being parted from their cash by the pure dead brilliant airport thinking that they have booked in to Car Park 5 and asking us why they can't get in.

Would a short courtesy email to all customers really be too much to ask? It would solve so much frustration and bad feeling.

CSI: Calleigh's Skintight Itemsofclothing

2006-12-13T10:10:00.000Z

...meanwhile Calleigh Duquesne's trousers* become ever more figure hugging...

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*I know. I couldn't find a still with her in trousers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number of car park enquiries so far today: urgh. one. it grates even thinking about this topic now.

The attitude gets worse. Have just shouted at a man (albeit out of his earshot) that if he wants to know where Car Park 1 is, he should drive down to the airport and ask *them* because they're the ones that are giving him the shitty service while gleefully parting him from his readies.

The man today had the gall to look annoyed and frustrated.
He tried to talk to me through my office window. Hell mend him.

Me (in my head): "Yes, matey, it's a bloody mess, isn't it? I'm even more browned off with it than you are, believe me." Grrr-why-i-oughtta-etc

Hi, I'm 34% Evil from Uranus

2006-12-11T14:18:00.000Z

Oh great.
I'm at the stage of filling in on line 'tests' to find out how evil I am, at what price I would sell out, what animal I was in a past life...what planet I'm from...

I'm 34% Evil

"A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well.
In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil."

I'm From Uranus
(oh how we laughed)

"You shine with brilliant creativity, and you're more than a little eccentric.
You love everything unusual and shocking. You're one far-out chick or dude.
Anything unconventional excites you - and you have genius potential.
Just don't let your rebel side get the best of you, or else you'll alienate everyone.
Your original thinking and funky attitude is all you need to be you."

Oh, and apparetly I'm a Strawberry Daquiri...
"You're a fun, playful drinker who loves to party. You may get totally wasted, but you're always a happy drunk!"

Playful drinker? Daquiri? But I told it I like tequila!

Ah - HA! If I give exactly the same answers but change my answer for "You ideal spring break would be spent:" from "At a five star hotel that backs to the beach" to "In Cancun, going wild" then I magically turn into a....

"You aren't just the life of the party, you are the party!
You mix a good drink, bust out some great music, and know how to get down."

Hurrah! I like that answer much better.

I want to get a job writing these things.

They're even more flimsy than the 'Mostly Bs = You are kind and friendly, but don't let people walk over you. You know your own mind, but are open to other opinions." tests that used to appear in Jackie and Just 17.

Someone somewhere is sitting at a desk right now thinking up some inane quiz to test "How many fingers would you have if you lived on Zuton?" or "If you were a car manouvre, what would you be?" (Answers probably would include: A three point turn "Efficient and slick, but sometimes get in other people's way", Hillstart "Difficult to get to grips with at first, but rewarding in the long term", Reverse Parking "Shy but fit in well given time and the right situation", Emergency Stop "You run hot and cold and change your mind frequently, often being noisy and abrupt" - hey! I think I could do this!)

Next, it tells me that my funky inner hair colour is orange because I'm "deep" and that I pull off weird well. Oh yeah? I pull off weird well do I? Uh-huh.

If you REALLY want, you can have a programme give you a deep insight* to your true self:
How Evil Are You?
What Planet Are You From?

_________________________________________________________

*complete with illustrative colour pictures for your blog

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Number of car park enquiries so far today: none (yet)

But there were LOADS on Friday. Apparently the car park is still taking bookings but not providing the ‘service’ of telling customers that the place is closed and that they’ll be redirected when they try to park for their flight. Again, we have to deal with the ensuing carnage, grumpiness and bad attitude.

CSI: Cutie Spouse Injumper

2006-12-02T15:13:00.000Z

Last night I dreamed that I was married to Agent Ryan Wolfe. Not so much that I was married to him, but that my husband was him.

We were strolling around in a supermarket deep in domestic bliss, arms around each other and each with a hand on the supermarket trolley, being one of those 'in love' couples that make you absolutely pukeingly sick, gazing at each other with self satisfied smug expressions and hugging each other.

He was wearing a rather fetching blue crew neck jumper.

Then we met an old aunt of mine* who was having an 'altercation' in the frozen veg section with someone about something, and she said 'oh, not now' to us, then gave us a wee look as if everything was OK, she likes us really but that she didn't want the altercate-ee to know that.

Then we were at the house, and he went to talk to the neighbours who were doing up their hallway and had found some books left by a gap year student.

I was a bit miffed that he was chatting to the neighbours when he could be home with ME, so I wrapped my duvet around me and went jumping about in the nice autumnal leaves in the dry and autumnally sunny park that our house looks on to.

At some point before, during or after this dream, back in 'real-land', my husband comes back to bed after being up in the night, and apparently we have a conversation that goes like this:

Me: "Is it a three rooted one?"
Him: "What?"
Me: "Are there any three rooted ones?"
Him: "I'm not sure - What do you mean?"
Me: "I can't really say it properly - the charrots"
Him: "Eh?"
Me: "Ocht. I can't say charrots properly. Charrots - C.A.R.R.O.T"
Him: "Eh, no." (takes off glasses and puts them on bedside table)
Me: "What are you doing with your glasses?"
Him: "Taking them off"
Me: "Why were they on?"
Him: "Because I had to get up"
Me: "zzz-zzz-zzz"

_________________________________________________________

*who seemed to know that Ryan Wolfe was my hubby and that it was perfectly normal for a CSI person to be shopping with me.

Curse of the Black Spot

2006-11-30T12:59:00.000Z

Riddle me this:

You clear up after a Hallowen Party* and wash the floor tiles that were messy after some enthusiastic dooking for apples.

The following weekend you invite a friend over for dinner, sit at a table on said tiles and the floor is still clean.

You don't use that side of the table again for a couple of weeks.

Then you sit down at the table to do some craft worky things and spy a mark on the floor.

A black mark. A perfectly circular black mark. A sooty perfectly circular black mark.

It's directly under the table, so can't be from anything falling from directly above, as the table hasn't been moved for weeks. There have been no candles (or anything else for that matter) burned in the room. No poles with soot in them have been knocked on to the tiles. Nothing with a round base or footprint has been put on the floor.

And yet...

I'm pretty sure this is conclusive proof that the new house is in fact haunted.

Other evidence includes (ooh, I feel a list coming on...)
Inexplicable noises downstairs at night
My mobile phone turning up in the house when I had it at work in the morning
The house being cold, particularly at night
Not being able to find things
Having an irresistible urge to eat lots of treat sized snacks

_________________________________________________________

*more of the party later, perhaps

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Number of car park enquiries so far today: none

But although the car park is now CLOSED, would-be holiday makers STILL come thinking that they've booked in and give us attitude about being unable to park. Pffft!

Solipsism

2006-11-24T13:57:00.000Z

The word solipsism (Latin: solus, alone + ipse, self) is used for two related yet distinct concepts:

An epistemological position that one's own perceptions are the only things that can be known with certainty. The nature of the external world — that is, the source of one's perceptions — therefore cannot be conclusively known; it may not even exist. This is also called external world skepticism.

A metaphysical belief that the universe is entirely the creation of one's own mind. Thus, in a sense, the belief that nothing 'exists' outside of one's own mind.

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
_________________________________________________________

("Some information in this article or section has not been verified and may not be reliable.")

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There are only three cars in the car park today.

This makes me happy. Although cars do still come to try to park, can't, do 37-point turns, look bemused, try to use sign language with me through my office window, then drive off when I flamboyantly shrug and make a "like I care" face.

CSI: Crummy Stiff Imitations

2006-11-15T12:56:00.000Z

Are my eyes too well trained, or are the CSI corpses becoming less believable as the new series progresses?

Last week on CSI:NY a stab victim was hauled out of a natural world display with 'bugs' crawling all over her, supposedly eating her flesh.
I've seen more convincing putrifying flesh at my Halloween Party (more of the party later, perhaps).

Don't get me wrong, I *love* CSI. It's what I have a TV for. Everyone knows not to call me between 9 and 11 on a Tuesday. I can't wait for Calleigh to say "Horatio, the striations, they match!" or for Alexx to have one of her very informative chats with someone whom really ought to know better. "The flesh decomposes at a rate consistent with its environment." Although maybe my dedication isn't what it could be. A friend of mine used to go to the extent of UNPLUGGING HER LANDLINE when Sex In The City was on.

Anyway.

This bug-eaten corpse had more than a hint of the tailors' dummy about it. It was white and plainly made of plastic and cotton for a start. Obviously the Effects Team couldn't coerce anyone to be covered in latex and goo and filmed with 783 flesh eating beetles.

After letting the "beetles clean up", Sid* and Sheldon decide to soak, boil and wash the remains in detergent to get the flesh off, and end up with a white plastic skeleton with red jelly stuck to it in places. No slimy residue, bits of tendons - just plastic and red stuff. (That's so you'll know it's flesh, I suppose.)

Then, last night on CSI:Miami, there were two stab/drown victims.
Alexx: "This poor baby girl's lost her fingers"

Oh, it's always a "poor baby" with Alexx. That's so you can tell she's an empathiser. That and the heavy eyeliner and woeful look she gets when she sees a body for the first time.

I digress. The stab / lake dumps. Last night's episode opens with Horatio at the court to hear the outcome of a trial (not guilty, due in part to a lack of evidence - i.e. a body) of a guy who patently is as guilty of murder as I am of choosing Philadelphia over Marmite**.
Meanwhile, an unsuspecting fisherman happens across a d.b. which turns out to be the "poor baby girl" sans a few flanges, which the accused is accused of making short work of.

Horatio gets a call.

BUT - OH NO! The verdict has just been read!

Tripp: "We got the body, but the verdict's in, Horatio."
Horatio: "The Verdict's in..."

(puts on shades in typical "cool-superhero-about-to-jet-off-to-avert-world-disaster" Horatio way)
"...but the Jury...the Jury's still out."
Pete Townsend: "....Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!....We don't get fooled again....etc."

Actually Horatio, no it's not. The Jury have just come in and presented the verdict. The not guilty verdict you've just been talking about. The verdict can't be in when the jury's out. You should know that.

Oh dear - this is turning in to a rant about Horatio Caine (for which there's plenty material, granted) when it's supposed to be a lively debate on the quality of the cadavers.

So. The plot does the usual twisting & turning, and another body is unearthed below a landfill site. This is as fresh as a daisy!

You'd reckon that after being stabbed, dumped in a lake with weights then squashed under tons of rubbish, you'd be a bit gooey. Nope, not in Miami.

The rubbish looked pretty clean, too.

_________________________________________________________

*who's shaping up to be a bit creepy. About last night's female rape / killing victim: "She's quite captivating, isn't she?" huuuuuuuuuuurgh
**That's quite bloomin' guilty, dear readers.

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Number of car park enquiries so far today: 2

But they were both the same person, and she was so irritated that I didn't have the heart to ask her to sign the "I have just annoyed someone" sheet.
Number of people who have signed the sheet: 4
This is very pants. People have been annoying us without signing the sheet

Number of delivery drivers looking for directions today: 3

List 2: Party Leftovers

2006-11-05T18:22:00.000Z

Four gala apples in a basin of water
Two black wigs
One length of pleated rope from a monster’s garb
Three home made horses’ “boy bits” (discovered in my bed – at least it wasn’t a horse’s head)
Two gallons of decent strength tequila, orange, lime and triple sec anti-slush
Three gallons of weak orange, lime, tequila triple sec and water
Seven mini sausage rolls (very tasty for breakfast, thanks)
Eight witches hats (main ingredient: chocolate)
Various and assorted decorations, candles, hangings, scythes, tealight holders, tinsel, confetti
Two battalions of gingersnap men
Three freezer drawers full of garlic bread, pizza slices and mini ice lollies
One jumbo bag of mini sausage rolls
Thee bags of tortilla chips (one discovered with my car fix kit days later)
Six boxes of bread sticks completely forgotten about during the party (More of the party later, perhaps.)
Thirty one chocolate chip shortbread bats
One unopened bottle of white rum
One not really used very much bottle of good vodka (later claimed)
453mls of Diet Caffeine free Coke
One green face paint smudge on a cream chair
Fifteen chocolate eyeballs
One red false nail
Five hand decorate cup cakes with spooky pictures on them
A bag of lime and lemon wedges (to go with salt & tequila hehehe!)
Nine chocolate ghosts
Half a tub of homemade tablet (from two tubs!)
One head of celery (earmarked for Bloody Marys but destined for soup)
Three half peppers
Three whole peppers
One Ricky Martin CD (for the Dead Pirate and Glowing Skeleton to Salsa to)
Exceptionally difficult to clean message on bathroom mirror, “Vampires have no reflections. HAHAHAHAhahahahahaaa”
Dregs of cheap face paint
One ice cream scoop (used for the dry ice)
Eleven assorted bottles of alcohol and non alcohol (not very specific of me, but if I list them, people might claim them!!!)
Ten bottles of red wine (bought for the party and unopened)
Six bottles of white wine (bought for the party and unopened)
One black wig with green highlights and green gem clip
Sixteen X-rays
Four boxes of apple pies and two boxes of bakewell tarts (put aside until the tablecloth was on and then overlooked)
A crate and a half worth of empty glass bottles
A crate worth of empty beer cans
Bag of jelly snakes (for Medusa’s hair before the Early Learning Centre baby snakes came along)
One black jacket (later providing an excuse to go to lunch to return it)

No caramel shortcake

Day Zero

2006-11-03T16:15:00.000Z

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Number of car park enquiries so far today: 0

WHAT???
That's an outrage! None? Nil? Nada? Absolutely Zilch™?
Aaaaaawwwwww Nnnnaaaaaaawwwwww!

Dogs Abuse

2006-11-02T18:02:00.000Z

I'm not one for those slushy emails that ply the "oh how nice all my friends are, and how lucky and pretty life is if you look on the bright side" rhetoric. Bleurgh.

BUT...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

I nearly ended myself.
Work colleague #1's reaction: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahahahaha!
Work colleague #2's reaction: (pointing to the fluff ball come skint rat on the left) Oh, look at the difference in that wee dog there!

I'll say it again...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

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(Instigated the "sign this form or I'll not tell you anything" form yesterday)
Number of car park enquiries so far today: 1 (darnit)

Yay! (in a very sarcastic tone) That'll show the evil airport car park!
The form must be working!

Parky Weather

2006-10-31T15:07:00.000Z

Beginning to think the only way to get slush this side of Christmas is to scrape the frost from the inside of the windows of the office. (OK, I exaggerate 50 million times a day, but it is getting pretty chilly.)

Got home last night to find a tub (a one kilo tub) of Canderel on the back doorstep, half full (and yes, I'm a 'half full' person) of water. "Cooling" for use in the slush machine. According to the downloaded pdf of instructions, the Brax level has to be between 13 and 16. Apparently Brax is a measure of sugar in water. All sounds a bit too scientific, when all I want to do is bung in some juice and tequila and get Margarita slush. Who wants to measure the Brax level in the middle of a party? (More of the party later perhaps.)

Before I'd got home, the machine had had its side panel removed and had been given a wee prod in the fan region with a very Health & Safety conscious plastic handled screwdriver. Fan started.

Much "oo"-ing and "ah-hAAh"-ing all round.

Twenty minutes later, and I'm secure in the knowledge that I need not call the Zilch girls out on a mission. The party dregs have been frostily mulched into slush! Yeehaaw!

Gunk #1: Mix is so thick that it takes 5 minutes to fill a glass
Gunk #2: Mix is so sweet that it's quite repulsive
Gunk #3: Mix is so dilute* that it tastes like cheap orange 'squash' made with too much tap water that's gone a bit stagnant

Lemonade from lemons: Because I've just moved house, I have no idea where my shoes or kitchen utensils are, but I know EXACTLY where "useless junk" is. Trotted to the loft, retrieved decades-old lolly making molds, and made (weak) margarita lollies. Hurrah! Froze the rest in ice cube bags as wee desserty things to go with ice cream.

Job's a good'un.
________________________________
*Flashback: Saturday 11.30pm "...more water will raise the freezing temperature - there's too much alcohol in it just now..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number of car park enquiries so far today: 2

Getting so hacked off with this that I'm going to make a sheet for would-be enquirers to sign to say they've been in, and post it on a weekly basis to the airport.

Today a dapper elderly gent with a checked flat cap and a white trimmed tash came in.
"I see your sign says no car...par...erm...ahem...I called the airport and was told I could book over the counter, but when I got there, they knew nothing about it and said I had to come to the car park, but there's no-one here."
Me: "That's right, they don't staff this place. We're not the airport car park - we're a totally different company. We're not connected to the airport or car park in any way whatsoever."
Dapper gent: "Ah. I see. Well, my son could book on line, but I don't really like doing that, I like to book over the counter. I called the airport and was told I could book over the counter, but when I got there, they knew nothing about it and said I had to come to the car park, but there's no-one here. I think I'll get my son to book on line."
Me: "There's another (competing) car park just a couple of miles away, and they have a courtesy shuttle bus too. They have staff, and you can talk to a real person face to face. We're not the car park though."
Dapper gent: "Yes, I think I'll get my son to book online for here."
Me: "Hm. Sometimes people have problems with the barrier system, and the place isn't staffed. Why not try round the corner - it's not a plush place, but you car's safe and it's staffed, and just as easy to get to the airport from."
Dapper gent: "Oh - but how would I get to that place from here?"
Me: (losing all hope of getting back to my desk anytime soon) "Well, you wouldn't park here at all, you'd park in the other place, and they'd take you to the airport - it's a different car park."
Dapper gent: (having made his mind up) "Yes, I think I'll do that. I'll get my son to use his computer - I don't have one you see - he does all that sort of thing..ahem...yes...I'll book for this one here...well...goodbye"

Green Margarita Blues

2006-10-30T13:27:00.000Z

I have clocked up several hours testing and experimenting with the slush machine. It freezes ginger beer and tonic water perfectly, but I can't get the mix right so it'll freeze margarita :( v.sad about this.

The party went swingingly (the four HorseMen of the poke a' lips were there, as was the 'Grudge' - More of the party later perhaps) but the margeritas were 'cool' rather than lovely slush. Of course, the guests gratiously drank it and didn't grumble (just enquired regularly "is it working?"), but I think that filling the machine to the max and adding a litre and a half of tequila before I'd tried the recipie was a mistake.

The kitchen is now full of plastic bottles of decanted margarita-ish mix so I can test recipies in the machine.

Discovered that the markings on the machine are for TWO litres, not one. This would explain the need for cartons and cartons of fruit juice on Saturday to fill the thing.

Apparently I need lots of sugar syrup to make sure the slush will form properly. The tequila probably doesn't help the process, but I'm determined to make it happen.
The mix has to be a specific gravity so I need a widget to measure that.

(Note: beware of shopkeepers telling you they have 'a wide variety' of technical widgets in stock. I fell for that one, made a 40 minute trip, got to the shop to be met with blank looks and "ooooooh! I thought you meant a thermometer!" Grrrrr)

The margarita excitement has worn off a bit. And the machine squeeks. Particularly annoying when I'm sitting hawk-eyed to spot any flakes of slush.

Ho hum. I have a week before bonfire night to test it or buy in some bottled margarita mix. All the syrups for machies seem to be fruit flavours, but no lime. (Had to have orange margaritas on Saturday, and not lovely lime green ones, as lime juice doesn't come in 1.5 litre bottles the same way orange does.)

Discovered 'Zilch' website last night ...

"Put the fun back in to your diet!
0 carbs, 0 calories, tastes great!"

The "tastes great" bit worries me slightly. That's the culinary equivalent of "L@@K!" and "authentic."

It seems to be full of nothing except VitC! Fantastic - get healthy while having Margaritas!

However, I'm desperate so I'll try anything. Need to check if it can be used in machines, and not just mixed in with ice shavings. Hopefully I'll be able to order some from the US.

Oh-oh. On further reading "Zilch's taste is as authentic as the real thing"

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Number of car park enquiries so far today: 2

You Pumpkin Head!

2006-10-27T13:50:00.000+01:00

There are so many sugar coated 'spooky' treats around at Halloween time. Yesterday Graham and I demolished a pack of SKULLS.

(Ingredients: Sugar, vegetable fat, whey powder, wheat powder, skimmed milk powder, emulsifier-lecithin [good old lecithin], flavourings, colours, artificial flavourings)

An interesting thing about the Family Favourite 'skulls' is that they use the same font as our business (and this blog) - Trebuchet. There you go.

Then there are the Pumpkin Heads.

I must admit, the packaging is the best part - these sweets MUST be repackaged as 'tiger paws', 'power balls', 'witches humbugs' depending on the impending occasion, as they're orange and black striped rather than actually having spooky pumpkin faces through them.

There must be a rock maker somewhere who makes pumpkin rock with faces that run through it. If not, I want a stewards' enquiry in to why not.

Slush machine arrived yesterday :-)
Still in its packaging (!!!) as my car broke down yesterday and I had to fork out over £100 to get it sorted, then get back to the office to pick up the machine, then get to the house to drop it off, then get to the in-laws' for dinner, then get back to the house to go to sleep to get to work in time.
Planning to try it out tonight - yay!

I think I'm going to start to use 'Pumpkin Head' as a derogatory term for would-be car-parkers who ignore the 'No car park enquiries please' sign.

Ugh. I need to make this blog better. Right now it is NOT 'sublyme.' Maybe I'll get inspiration when I've tried the margarita machine a few times.

Yeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssss! Result!

2006-10-24T23:37:00.000+01:00

Yaaaayyyy!

I'm almost the proud owner of a fantastically marvellously wonderful and smashing SLUSH MAKING MACHINE!!!

Yyyyeeeeeesssssss!

Oh this is so great I'm so bloomin' e-x-c-i-t-e-d!

Get the tequila at the ready - Margaritaville here I come!!!

Hahahahehehehehe!!

Oh canny wait!
This is the best. I am SO chuffed. :D Big huge grin.
I am happy hippidy hoppity pleased!

AND my chillies are still flowering AND they're still growing fruit.

Phew.

(This is great!)
I can't wait. I c-a-n-n-o-t wait.
No more skiddling about with making one or two drinks at a time for me. No Sir-ee. Not me. Gallons of the stuff on tap. Yippeeeeeeee!

Oh. Now. It's only a single bowl machine. Oh-er. That means I have to decide whether to make Margaritas or Zombies. Oh no. I love margaritas. It's a Halloween Party, so Zombies are really going to be de rigeur (de rigeur mortis, that is - "R D R R"). What a worry.

Man alive! - post purchase dissonance so soon.

No no no. It just means that I'll make BOTH but at different times. Yes. That's it. Scoff one first, then make a nice big batch of the other. Yes.

Oh, which to make first???
I just love this - it's bloomin' great!!!
:-)

List 1: Halloween party

2006-10-24T13:33:00.000+01:00

Correction, that's Halloween Masked Ball. Inaugural Annual Halloween Masked Ball.

*ahem* List:

Food (salsa & breadsticks. Spooky name "dismembered fingers")
Decorations (ghost banners, pumpkin lanterns a-plenty, cobwebs, scythe, ghoulish hands, UV lights, blood, guts n gore)
Costume (either Medusa [toy snakes required] or demon [horns stuck with liquid latex and creepy lenses], glow in the dark face paint)
Music & atmosphere (Monster Mash, Highway to Hell, spooky noises, Better the Devil you Know, It's Fun to Be Scared [Jem & The Holograms], Some Kind of Monster, Scooby Snacks, Ressurection Joe, Live & Let Die, I Ain't Got Nobody, Der Fliedermouse, Devil's Haircut, Bat Out of Hell [of course!], Dead Man's Chill [that Danielle Dax woman] and of course, good old Ghostbusters!)
Games (putting hands into mystery creepy boxes, treacle scones on a line, dookin' for apples, pin the tail on the demon)
Slush machine *sigh*
Booze (tequila :-), wine, gin, vodka, rum...)
People (yes, lots of those)

Slush glorious slush

2006-10-16T15:33:00.000+01:00

I really want a slush machine. I really really want a slush machine.

The first time I had a frozen marguerita was years and years ago in a rock club my boyfriend and I went to and it was great! (The drink and the music.)

Frozen margueritas are just simply the best cocktails on the known planet. (Or are they margeritas, I never know) Yes, I concede, Zombies are great too, and Pina Coladas, but nothing beats a slushy green marguerita with a salt rim. Yum-bloomin'-umptious!

I know I can make a kind of great frozen drink with my lovely Kenwood New York Smoothie Maker.
I know I can just crush some ice with my patented hand operated ice crusher.
It's just that it's not the same as being able to pull the handle on a big machine and seeing lots of frozen tequila and lime flowing into your glass.

This month I have the perfect reason (some say excuse - hmph!) to buy one - a party in the new house. (yay!)

I have justified the cost all sorts of ways to myself. "Well, that's only an extra so-and-so-amount of cost to every guest's drink" and "If I sell some slush drinks at local fetes and things, I'm really doing it all for charity" and "We'll use it for several years, and it'll be fab for barbecues". My newest one is "Our pals will love it so much they'll want to come over and fill it up for us, then WE'LL get free drinks! :D <(winning smile)" Still, I have to find one that's less than a month's wages and doesn't need to be picked up in person from somewhere that's a full day's drive away. And find it before the party (less than a fortnight away). I've scoured the internet, freebie sites, have even asked all the suppliers I can think of if they have cheap ex-rentals for sale. So far no joy. My 'maximum I would possibly spend' budget is creeping up daily and I'm finding all sorts of reasons for that to be absolutely OK. "I've saved X amount by not getting new leather boots", "I haven't needed any dents taken out of the car this year", "I probably won't go a winter holiday", "It'll be a present from me to me", "I'll sell lots of my clutter on eBay and have mega-profits". Why do none of these things seem to bring my slush machine any closer to reality? I'm going to escalate the slush-machine-getting-project as of this afternoon. The next level is to wish really hard for it.

Read My Lips

2006-10-13T14:36:00.000+01:00

Unfortunately my office is right beside a car park. An airport car park. A no-frills airline Airport carpark.

This is quite handy if I'm jumping on a nice cheap flight to Europe for the weekend, but during the working day it's a right royal pain in the unmentionables.

The 'service' provided to passengers is completely bereft of any information on how to get into the car park, how to operate the barrier machines, when the next shuttle bus is due, where to shelter when it's teaming with rain, any facilities (i.e. toilets) and generally leaves passengers feeling short changed and irritable.

My work colleagues and I are left to deal with the carnage. "Your barrier doesn't let me in", "Where's your loo?", "Is this the car park", "What do I do with my ticket?", "I've not pre-booked but I have this form...ramble, ramble...blah blah blah....", "I've booked my car in with you"
(have you? Great, it's a Merc you say? give us your keys then, see ya!)

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NoooooooooooooooOOH!!!
We're not the bloomin' car park! We don't know anything about it! It's not our fault! It's a rubbish service! We KNOW!!!

For a while we considered capitalising on this by selling coffee, sweets, ice creams and drinks and the sorts of things peole picked up at the last minute - batteries, magazines, tissues etc.

We politely helped people for a good 6 months then got a bit fed up with it, and placed a friendly notice on our door letting people know to go to the ACTUAL car park office with their queries.
People still came in and used up our time and patience. The car park office does not have a waiting room or a loo.

It now no longer has staff.
The gate is locked.
The signs are unclear.
The machines malfunction regularly.
Passengers are super confused and super irritated.

To save our business from grinding to a halt with our staff having to constantly go to the reception area to deal with passengers with enquiries, I printed a new, more direct sign a fortnight ago "No car park enquiries please".
This worked for about three days. People came to the door, read the sign and went away. It works 7 or 8 times out of 10.

They've started coming in again. "I know the sign says no car park enquiries, but......"
AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!
Where's a cattle prod when you need one?
Read my lips! N-O-spells-no!!

This afternoon, a lovely lady appeared in the office, obviously having emerged from said place of non-service, her car having broken down. We listened. We sympathised. We told her that we were nothing whatsoever to do with the car park. We looked up the internet for her and gave her a number to call. "Oh, you're not the car park people?"

Wait wait wait - this is the best bit. Then she said (in all seriousness),

"You have a sign on your door that says to come in if you like."

Trampling

2006-10-12T17:22:00.000+01:00

This is my very first post! (Yay!)
I have been meaning to start a blog for - oooohh - years and this afternoon I have finally got round to it.
I have lots and lots I want to share. Things that I find funny, annoying or downright ridiculous.
I'm going to put the best / wierdest / most irritating ones on here.

I might even put some reminders to myself on here - shopping lists, to do lists, films to watch lists. I like lists.

Trampling's a hilarious word.